Non-annoying changes

Seems to good to be true? Yeah, for me as well


I am reflecting. A fine day such as today calls for a reflection. A day where I get the chance to know more about other’s personality, to get more glimpse into their thought process. 

With the way I live my life the past few months, my reflecting time is past due. What comes towards me had a very very big effect on me that I might have not be myself anymore. In short, my circumtances make me change, again, in so short a time. So I need to know myself more, too. 

A lot or articles, forum and such from the internet seem to reassure my belief that people in their twenties change every so often. That’s generalitation, of course, I am sure there are people who know who they are by twenty and so do not change that much after. But it makes me feel not so alone, I know there are people who accuse themselves as a wishy washy because what they want for themselves is just so inconsistent, what they want the most for one day is what they hate the most the next week. 

That did sounds annoying, but on the flip side, that means a chance to improve, to start anew, every so often. We can choose the new revelations that contribute to the change. We can choose what influence us, what direction we take when presented with a condition. We can change every week. We can be more like our ideal self faster! Says those similar, gimicky motivational speeches.

Sounds too good to be true?

Yeah, for me too.

I see something so clear today that change my perspective : not all people see from my perspective. Yeah, big news, and seems like I am so late in understanding that.  But really. There are fundamental elements in us that won’t change no matter what forge we have been going through under. It’s not for us to change. 

So is it futile to change ourselves, moreover others, because it is pushing the law of nature? As I hate giving up, I will give the ever so annoying answer, “Maybe”. After all, human have work around forces of nature and pass the boundaries to overcome hurdles before. For many, many years. 

And so, who knows? If this fail to take place, maybe it’s true that I am a lazy piece of trash with no will power in me. And I have no power to change that.

Idle Reader

My list  of manga I followed on bakaupdates are more red than blue red, indicating I haven’t read the latest chapters of half of them. This has been going on for months, and I ignored it. It doesn’t indicate anything at all, because well, in my own opinion, some manga are meant to be read a few chapters on one go. Like One Piece. Or look at Dragon Ball that might only deliver one punch of a fight in it’s weekly release.

But yesterday I just realized that I am only on the 7th books of my 30 book (non-work related) reading goal this year! Now this is alarming, because that means I haven’t read and relaxed for so long this year. I have neglected an activity I enjoyed and proven to make me relax and stress-free so much because of idle actions. I have work, yes, but I believe I idling and opening social media and unrelated articles on the internet as much as I work.

But opening social media and the like didn’t have the effect of being absorbed in a book for me. But I do it anyway. Because boredom and out of focus and not seeing what’s in front of is so easy. It’s a bliss to be always distracted. No wonder I become restless and a bit high strung despite of my reduced pace of life nowadays.

I want to go back and stand up on my own feet again now, not carried away by by idleness. Currently swimming in the middle of unfinished work though (result from idleness too!), so my focus can’t be given to readings right now.

So I guess I must count on December holidays to reach my goals.
But oh, I also have goal on December.


A messy mind,




Animals… Animals…

I just pass the half way mark but I already could conclude which way the story will goes. But it’s still a very well written, deep meaning book! So much for that currently booming theory that a plot must be unpredictable, original, and full of plot twist to be good/ even enjoyable.

I am currently reading Animal Farms by George Orwell, and I loved it. Any reading I do always prompt me to write, so here it is! A writing that I think would be non-sense, hehe.

Actually, I am not really reading it as I am listening to the audiobook in Youtube. At first, I am afraid that it is too heavy a book (It’s the author of THE 1984- a book which I haven’t read by the way) to listen to, but I decide to just play it anyway, because it’s only 3 hour compared to other audiobooks. Compare that to the 9 hour-ish of 1984! Anyway, I never see the book Animal Farm in print, so I don’t know how thick it is, but this proves that it is quite thin.

I just pass the half way mark but I already could conclude which way the story will goes. But it’s still a very well written, deep meaning book! So much for that currently booming theory that a plot must be unpredictable, original, and full of plot twist to be good/ even enjoyable. It’s notOnly my 2 cents though.

I listened to it in mind to be ‘aware’ of hidden motifs and that’s why it’s so easy to break open the outer layer to see the representation. I am never taught about the world’s history and lacking in my own study about it, so I don’t know the exact event he tried to represent (Stalin-era Russia), but I guess human nature are the same everywhere, so I have heard this story from elsewhere. If I don’t know about his reputation though, it would have been quite easy to pass it as a children book with a funny story! That’s how amazing it is – for the unaware minds, hidden meaning (and events, and activities, and conspiracies) are hard to notice.

How many good books are there, with  eloquent story telling but good,  hidden teaching? I understand the need to try to make more people read it, but, I heard making it compulsory school reading make students hate it. I think everyone will be able to enjoy this book, as I am. It’s not for the “analytical and cultured people”.

I won’t say that I am have an open, sharp, analytical, and intellectual mind. Compared to some people I know, I am quite slow. I also won’t say that I am cultured, because I really am not, compared to my literature-major friends. But because I have a lot of friends there, books like this are almost like a staple which are a shame to not be read, and I agree.

Try to read this book with imagination and open mind. You will see the striking parallel with the world events today.  Why would we read books that contain the same essence as the news? Why don’t we just read the news? Well, it’s easier to laugh and see what’s wrong with our actions when portrayed as not our-self and in alternative world. Which group are you in novel? And what’s your opinion about them?

*Why am I writing it suddenly like talking down to high school students? Because maybe they are the one who are googling to see how much this book sucks, maybe.*


The Blame and The Growth

When I continue to take the blame and ready to change anything I can help of, people continue to think that they themselves don’t need to change.

There are so many wonderful people in this world.

Wonderful people that can enjoy their life to the fullest, wonderful people that can work their hardest. They are usually clamped together, as if they are creating a wonderful world on their own. I don’t think I can take place in that world of wonderful people, as I am, at best, still half-boiled.

It’s not age. I have seen far too many passions on the eyes of the youngsters, determined to see change. For their future to be better. To be best. I don’t know what I can do or what I should do, but, if I can change myself so the world can become better, I would do it.

On some unfortunate events, my action sometimes have not so desired effects. People gladly take my statement of change as a way to justify themselves, to see themselves good, better than me, while I did nothing more wrong than them.

When I continue to take the blame and ready to change anything I can help of, people continue to think that they themselves don’t need to change.

There’s never one side that can be blamed on an interconnected environment. Just because I apologies that I forget to remind them, doesn’t mean they have done no wrong in forgetting it.

Is it not good to always take the blame? Am I wrong in wanting to see changes on other people?  I think I play it fair. If they blame me for my mistake, of course I’d admit it. But it’s not the only mistake. I want them to admit theirs, too.

Call me judgmental if you want, but some people have their own part on everyone’s mistake. Even if we do nothing wrong, doesn’t mean we can’t improve. And not everyone get it.

The blame should be shared. The drive to be better should be felt by everyone. That’s how a movement to the better begin. No one should dwell on other’s mistakes, and point a finger to someone, because there are no one that doesn’t make mistakes. And that’s fine. That’s fine, because mistakes are there to help us learn.

And grow.

Should we weep to go back to our childhood?

There are so much thing that internet make us think ourselves to be. Or expect everyone to have the same view of. When it aligns with yourselves or your experiences, fine. But when it’s not, the place where everyone think they are open minded because it’s a space that connects people from all over the world become so cruel and narrow-minded.

Producing people with all the same values and opinion is not a cool thing, and everyone from the internet will agree. But they themselves are fighting so that people on the internet all have the same point of view. And what’s worse, those PoV are not all that good. In fact some of it are really set to destroy whoever following that kind of PoV.

For me, some of the biggest internet “cultural” thing didn’t match my point of view at all. For example, the cry to meet month’s end. The lifestyle of living paycheck to paycheck. I really thought it all was just exaggerated, that it is only a hyperbola or something. But then I asked some of my friends. Turns out it was a real issue. What?

I knew, I knew, some people must have that problem : I knew people who are underpaid, must support their family, can’t land a decent job or only have one part time job, and generally people that can be understood to have their living cost higher than their salary.

But people like me, single (or forever alone) with at least an entry level job from middle class family whose only need is to support themselves or even some of it are still under their parents wings – which is like 80% of the internet (I made it up, but…)??

How come did you even manage to spend it all?

I am not the highest paid out of all the 20s who are into the second year of their first job. I can save the money to go to a trip to Europe, something that are “very difficult” for the 20s in my country, due to the low currency of my country, the third country status, and the fact that Southeast Asia is very far from Europe. I still reside inside my parent’s home, correct, but I make a point to “pay my rent”, and even if I have to buy my own meals and do my own laundry, I can still spare a lot of it to my saving account. And I don’t particularly restraining myself from eating out or shop!

So, how?

The second one is the “I want to go back to being a child”/”Childhood era is the best”/”Be happy you are still a child, kid!”

Well… it’s not that my childhood is bad. Actually I pretty liked it. My teen years are a little worse, but still acceptable. Not that I want to go back to any of them.

You know, I think people who want to go back to one point at their time (not to fix mistake) didn’t grow up “properly” with the addition of their age. I mean, sure, playing around all day while the only thing bothering me is if I have enough score to beat my cousins at a game is a very good days, but if I were to do that in this age, I will feel useless. Not being able to contribute to society, not being able to compete with my generations, not being able to choose what to do, because obviously I am not in the power to buy the game – my parents is.

I love the power that comes with “being an adult”. I kind of hate the responsibility, too, like everyone else in this world, but I think the power is worth it. So many thing suddenly become possible. Accessible. Controllable. Isn’t that amazing?

I was kind of hoping to make people realize that not only it is bad, but also sometimes not true, and people are doing like what was suggested just because it looks like the path most people walk in. No. We have choices now. Not “all people” are living paycheck to paycheck. Not “all people” is weeping to go back doing what children do. It is not how it SHOULD BE. Don’t follow it because it seems okay, that people all live by that standard. If I can set a standard, it is clearly what NOT to do.

There are choices. We can do a lot of great work. We can.

But off course, it is only my opinion, and I am a very lucky girl.

But please, take care of your life


a distressed 20-something